Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
Put Your Head on My Shoulders
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, «To Kill A Mockingbird,» and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. The lesson is, never try. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now.
A Flight to Remember
That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity.
Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news! Actually, that's still true. We'll need to have a look inside you with this camera.
The Beast with a Billion Backs
There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! It’s a T. It goes «tuh». Anyone who laughs is a communist! Morbo will now introduce tonight’s candidates… Morbo’s good friend, Richard Nixon.
The Leaked Secret to Apollo Discovered
The Ugly Side of the Moon
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, «To Kill A Mockingbird,» and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. You don’t win friends with salad. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity.
You want a guarantee, buy a toaster
The Birth of Lies
Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
I just told you! You've killed me! Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.
Sing along fellas!
I never loved you. I feel like I was mauled by Jesus. And why did ‘I’ have to take a cab? I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? Leela, Bender, we’re going grave robbing. OK, if everyone’s finished being stupid.